Exactly
a month ago today, I was gonna make a big announcement on this blog. As the saying goes "things happen for a reason". Now I understand why it never happened and it has to happen in a later time.
And today is the time.
March 16
Delayed
period for almost two weeks. Took a pregnancy test and the result was . . .
 |
| . . . POSITIVE!!!! |
Hooray! Baby number 2 coming! Munchkin's going to be a big
sister. It was an unexpected pregnancy. Well, we are planning to have another baby supposedly next year but it looks like we will be having it
sooner.
 |
| Daddy and soon-to-be big sister Munchkin . . . |
The
pregnancy started out fine. In my 7th week I was actually waiting for
the signs like morning sickness, nausea and all but nothing. It felt like I was not pregnant at all. I actually thought we might be having a
boy this time.
 |
| . . . 7th week and feeling nothing. Like I'm not pregnant at all. | | | | | | | | | |
|
Boy was I wrong? Eighth week came and that's when all the
sickness started. Must be another baby girl, then? Lol! Truth be told, I
was confused with the number of weeks I was pregnant because I did
not have implantation bleeding like last time.
After 2 weeks
of queasiness and throwing up nonstop I was able to resume to my normal
routine. I was happy and sad. Happy because my wishes came true:
- I wish to be pregnant and still be able to work. When I was pregnant with Munchkin, I was so sick I had to quit my job.
- I wish to have baby number 2 before I turn 35.
- Since my due date is December, it means I will be staying at home for the holidays! Christmas and New Year, oh yeah!
Sad because:
- I still
haven't eaten sushi and sashimi for the longest time. I promised myself
that as soon as Munchkin is born, I will eat sushi and sashimi. However, I
completely forgot about it. And don't get me started with my cocktails. I wish I went all out on cocktails, wines and champagne from when Tapioca and I went out on a date. Now I have to wait
another year to enjoy those things.
- Baby number 2
and I will be sharing the same birth month and I don't want that. Nor
do I want him/her to share the birth month of Tapioca and Munchkin. I
was hoping he/she would be born on a different month than ours.
- I
was worried Munchkin would get jealous once baby #2 arrives. I felt that it would be better if we could have given her more time to enjoy all the attention
to be an only child.
Despite all
these, the happiness still reigns. Tapioca and I were excited and
so did the people around us who knew about it. But the happiness did not last long. Things we never thought or imagined would happen.
May 25
I woke up and
found my undies with a tinge of blood. It was so tiny and brownish in
color that I had to ask Tapioca and double check if it's really blood. I
was in panic. Too scared but not sure what to do. I did not experience
this from my 1st pregnancy.
May 28
Had
my very first ultrasound. The doctor assured me the baby is doing okay with a good fetal heartbeat rate. It was a singleton and doing perfectly fine
in my womb. The last thing I would like to hear from her is that we are
having twins or at worst an ectopic pregnancy. I was so relieved after the
ultrasound was done and that I have nothing to worry about the bleeding. The doc
said I must be tired from work and the daily commute.
June 9
Bloody stain on my undies again? What have I done this time?
June 10.
Still there's
blood stain on my undies. I was feeling sick but I needed to go to work. It was a Friday and last shift for the week. Tomorrow, I'll have my check up. I just took paracetamol to make me feel better and went on my way to the office.
June 11
The brownish
stain had turned red. I experienced the worst stomach cramps like labor
pains. This happened early in the morning while I was still at work. I was in
pain but I was being positive everything's going to be okay. I will see
my doctor in the afternoon.
Afternoon came and I saw blood tissues coming out as I peed. I knew something was definitely wrong.
When we were at
the doctor's clinic and she did an IE on me, more blood came out. It was
so scary I didn't know what to think anymore. My OB explained what's
going on and that we could have lost the baby. She tried to check the
heartbeat but nothing. She requested we get an ultrasound to confirm
the baby's condition. I was crying but I kept my composure. I stop
myself. It is not the right place to cry. But deep down I knew we had
lost the baby.
As soon as we
got home, I went to our room and did some research about threatened
abortion. Why, how? Those were the questions in my head. When I couldn't
take it anymore I cried my heart out. It was so heartbreaking. I never
thought this could happen to me. Because I've experienced being pregnant and successfully delivered a baby, I thought I could
do it again without any problems. But I was wrong.
They say every pregnancy is different.
Which is actually true. I have learned so much from this experience. And
I have learned to love more the people who mean so much to me. Tapioca
said that I should never blame myself for what happened. It may not be
our time yet to have another baby. We are still young and we can try
again.
I
knew we had never planned to have this baby in the first place but it breaks
my heart so much when I already invested emotions and accepted the fact that we're going to have another baby.
June 13
I went under the D&C procedure. Inside the operating room alone, I found comfort while reciting my prayers in my thoughts. Thankfully, I was asleep and did not feel anything. The procedure was quick and I was able to go home the next day.
June 16
We had set up an appointment at the church to have baby #2 blessed before we said our final goodbye. We buried the remains at an empty lot right next to our apartment building. I was wishing we could have done it at our family's tomb/graveyard but it's all the way in the province and we did not have enough time.
Currently, I can say I am now past the grief and recovering. There are times that I still cry at night. There are also times when I feel bitterness, especially when I see women with baby bumps. Sometimes I thought that the only way to move on is to have another baby. But then I remind myself that time will eventually unfold the reason why all these happened. I know I just needed time to completely heal.
This is not the first time I've lost a loved one. The first time was when my father passed away. I almost got into depression. Thank God I had Tapioca who shook me out of it. Once again, I thank God for Tapioca. He and Munchkin are the reason, my reason.
Ending this post with one of my favorite poems. Without really knowing what it means at first.
*****^^^^^******
One Art
By
Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
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