Help, The Grinch Is Back!

The holiday season wasn’t the easiest. Not when the devil is lurking around making me feel sad and bad all the time.

We still have no nannies/househelp, I'm still not feeling well and miserable. Tapioca is working on New Year' Eve and I’m left alone with the kids. One of them, cranky and fussy because he’s teething and not feeling well, too. Once again, I felt like I failed motherhood. I failed my kids. But I refused to feel what I was feeling. I fought the Grinch trying to steal my happiness. I reminded myself that this season is not about me. Not about my feelings or about failing. I reminded myself of the true meaning of this season.

Let's count my blessings, shall we?

I'm thankful I’m home for the holidays. It’s not every year that happens. I’m thankful it was me who’s watching the kids and spending the holidays with them at home. Kebs if there’s no yaya. Kebs if the house is a mess. My kids couldn’t even care less for as long as mommy's there to take care of them and their needs.

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Weekend Is Over

I’m in the bed right now sandwiched by Munchkin and Pumpkin. Can’t sleep so I’m typing away on my phone.

Tapioca is also deep asleep on the couch in the living room. This is our setup every weekend. I wonder how long it’s gonna last. The Munchkin refuses to sleep in her bedroom when she knows Mommy is at home. The four of us couldn’t fit in our semi-double bed. Well right now, there's just the three of us. It’s still a small fit but we make do.

Every night, when the kids are fast asleep, I look at them with a smile on my face. They look so peaceful. Far from the naughty, kulit kids during the day. At night, they look like angels quietly and peacefully sleeping in bed with me.

I thank God and praise him for the wonderful weekend I get to spend with them. For giving them to us. For the experience of becoming a mother. For knowing how my heart can be so big that I can love not just one one but two kids. I can love them both at the same time. For knowing there’s always space in my heart to love another child. I’d like to think that my heart just got bigger and it got space for more hahaha!

Well, my heart is full. And I knew exactly what it means now.

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Forgetful Me

I thought I only forgot about Munchkin’s assignment. I also forgot Nanay’s death anniversary. If it wasn’t for my brother who sent me a message a day before, I could have totally forgotten about it. 

So my brother sent a message asking if I had any plans for Nanay’s death anniversary. I was dumbfounded after reading it. I almost freak out. Like what heck just happened to me? First, Munchkin’s assignment. Now, Nanay?

I’m so bad. Really really bad. I guess it’s the after-effect of anesthesia. I’m forgetting a lot of stuff lately. Important stuff that is. I can’t afford to be like this. You know, when you’re a Mom everything and everybody depends on you. I have to get my sh*t together or my family will crumble down. Tapioca is going to give me an earful and I am going to hate him for it. 

Sigh. 

Motherhood. Striving for perfection always when in reality perfect is not always what it is. Still we do what we have to do because no one else will do it for us. Even if you have house help. The decision, the planning, the execution, everything is always going to depend on me. Yes, me. Oh my life. Mommy life. 

Oh mother dear. I totally get you now. I really do. I miss you Nanay. I wish you were still here but I know you’re happy where you are. 

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Stress . . . Again and Again

Hello. Long time no post. Been very busy and stressed lately because of recent changes at home. How do I begin?

Last week, the Munchkin got sick. It started with bouts of cough, then colds, and a full blown fever that would shoot up in the middle of the night. Pumpkin caught the bug too but it subsided after constant breastfeeding (I love breastfeeding!). 

Munchkin had her school activity scheduled last Saturday. They were given costumes as Igorot. Then I borrowed some necklaces from the office. It was originally used as an accessory from an activity in our office called Junk to Funk. It was made from recycled materials and it matches Munchkin's costume which was awesome. 

As I was saying, Munchkin was not feeling well after days of dance rehearsal at school. She's been absent for a few days but come Saturday, the day of her school activity, her fever was gone. I was quite hesitant then whether I should bring her to school or not but since we're already prepared . . . you know, the costume and all. 

I also ordered kakanin (puto and biko) for that day. I told myself we will just drop  the food at the school and leave. 

. . . special biko made by the nanny

Then I figured if we were just dropping by, we might as well let Munchkin go with us in her costume. Sayang naman kasi her costume and the necklace that I borrowed. We can have some pictures taken as souvenirs for her very first Linggo ng Wika. Except we will not let her join the dancing activity. Tapioca and the Munchkin agreed. However, when we were at the venue, she got upset and insisted on joining her classmates. She terribly wanted to dance. She was so excited as if she was not sick at all. 

What happened next was not what I was expecting. We did not finish the program and headed home to change. Munchkin’s fever was back again. And it was even higher than the last time. We have to go to the hospital. Pronto.

me and the little munchkin in her costume . . . 

It was a payday weekend so traffic was terrible. Booking a Grab car was such a pain. Thankfully, her pedia accommodated us despite it was already his clinic's after-hours. After examining her, we were advised for confinement due to fever of 4 days and no improvement even when Munchkin was taking antibiotics. 

This was us over the weekend.

. . . at the hospital - parang staycation lang, huh? :)

snuggle time with mommy . . . 

Pumpkin was left at home with the nannies. He was also feeling under the weather. Tapioca had to stay at the hospital while I went back and forth from the hospital to our home. I had to stay home because I needed to feed Pumpkin. 

. . . feeding the little guy

After spending so much time with her Daddy, the Munchkin started to miss me. One time she cried because she wanted to go home with me. Awww my heart melted. 

Then this week, Pumpkin’s nanny left. This has been planned in advance and we already got a replacement. But the timing was still off. I was running errands going back and forth to the hospital and I still had to train the new nanny. Not to mention Pumpkin still needs to warm up to her which will take some time.

So tell me, what is STRESS?  Life of a mom. My life. 

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The Highs and Lows of Breast Pumping

It’s my second week of pumping breast milk. In that short span of time, I get to experience the highs and lows of pumping breast milk.

Obviously the highs are the times when I'm getting so much milk from a good let down. The lows are when the milk is not coming out no matter how hard I try and even if I pump longer.

My first high came last Friday. I could not believe it happening. After testing my electric pump and trying to build a milk stash without success (yes, you read it right: unsuccessful) I was so high from happiness upon discovering that I was able to pump 5-6 oz of milk in just a single session. Finally, I said. I was so smug I thought I got this milk pumping business at hand.

5 oz!!! finally!!!

Since I thought I had enough stash for Monday, I stopped pumping during the weekend. I mean I will be at home all day. Pumpkin and I will do direct feeding. I get to rest my pump and the messy business of pumping, cleaning, washing and sanitizing feeding bottles and pump parts.

. . . pumping milk at the office

almost 6 oz this time! hooray!

Then came Monday. I was unable to get a successful let down. Oh -uh! That means we will have to supplement with formula. That thought wasn’t appealing but I would rather have Pumpkin had formula than for him to starve. There goes my pumping lows. It was so frustrating I wanted to quit.

But quitting is so easy to do. If I quit, that means we need to give more formula to Pumpkin. And I might lose my milk supply entirely. No more bonding time thru direct feeding because no more milk to supply. That’s not what I have set my heart for. That’s like throwing everything I have started and invested in. I am thankful I have a supportive husband. I am not quitting yet. Way too early.

I love breastfeeding. I love the fact that I can give my son the best milk even though I’m back to working again. So yeah, I am not quitting. The battle is not over. Not yet. I will keep on pumping even if there’s just too little milk coming out. Even if there’s no milk coming out. I will fight. For you my little Pumpkin. This is the sacrifice I make. The decision I made. The choice is always mine. And I choose what I believe what’s best for you and me.

. . . just look at that cutie pie, mommy will never give up.

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Wanted: Nanny

I've been unable to blog again in weeks despite me being at home all the time. It was because I was not in the mood to write. My mind was all over the place. My stress level was over the roof. I was restless and unable to sleep. It has been a month.

No, it’s not postpartum depression. I really don’t think so. It was because of our financial situation. I was out of money and I was worried about our pay. The bills, the rent, pumpkin’s vaccination, etc. They're all pilling up. It did not help that my maternity benefit got delayed. I cannot imagine what will happen to us if Meralco suddenly cuts off our electricity.

Sad to say but I was not able to enjoy the last month of my maternity leave because of money problems.

. . . photo from https://www.flickr.com/photos/fortinbras/220338247

Well, the good news is I finally received my maternity benefit so I’m here back again writing. That is something to ease my worries. But the bad news is, there's really no end to worries. Money problem was somewhat solved. I’m going to work soon. Then my expected nanny suddenly backed out. We are once again back to looking for a nanny. It's so frustrating. I guess there is really no end to challenges in life.

I am fervently praying that we get a nanny for Pumpkin soon. Please pray for us.

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Vaccination

. . . photo from https://obgyn.coloradowomenshealth.com/blog/vaccination-nation

Pumpkin and I went to the health center today for his scheduled vaccination. We left the house a little late at 9am. There were already a lot of people at the center by then. Our number was at 73 but since it only takes a minute or less to administer the vaccine, the line was moving fast. By 10am we were already home. 

Now the thing I hate about vaccination is the aftermath. Pumpkin got the shot on his right leg and it was sore which made him very fussy. His cries were heartbreaking like he’s in so much pain. We applied a hot compress on his leg, yet his cries and wails (especially if we touched or moved his right leg) were making me very stressed. The only thing that will soothe him was my booby and some rocking so he can fall back to sleep. 

As a mother, I am very much aware of the importance of getting my children vaccinated. Not only does it protect them from serious illness and complications but it protects others, too. I am thankful that our government is doing the best they can to make these vaccines available to everyone especially to the less fortunate.

I am also aware about the huge debate on vaccines. I would like to make a more detailed post about my stand but that's for another blog post.

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Six Weeks Post Partum

Last night after I took a shower, I was so surprised to find out that I was able to fit into my house clothes again. Yay! Thank you breastfeeding!

Honestly, I was kinda hesitant if I will ever get back to my pre-pregnancy body. My recent pregnancy was so different from the first one. I gained some weight and it's very much obvious because the fat went into my face and arms.

. . . 8 months pregnant with Pumpkin, check out my very round face and arms hahaha!!!

Nah, the picture was not stretched. I wish it was but it wasn't. Hahaha! I really gained more weight than I expected.

My first pregnancy with Munchkin after giving birth, I looked like I just took a dump and the baby bump was gone. Though there was still a little tummy pouch, I no longer looked pregnant. I was able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes as soon as I got home from the hospital.

me at full term (first pregnancy), a day before Munchkin popped . . . still skinny with a watermelon baby bump :)

With Pumpkin’s pregnancy, I already gave birth but my tummy was so big I looked like I was still pregnant. The most shocking thing to me was when I had to fit into my house clothes. I was expecting that I will be able to fit into them just like with my first pregnancy. I came home disappointed. I mean, what was I thinking? I knew I gained weight and it's not just going to disappear so soon. There I was no longer pregnant but I was still wearing Nanay’s clothes (daster dresses) like I was still six months pregnant. 

To say that I was disappointed was an understatement. I was dumbfounded. I was taken aback at the thought of what might or might nor happen. What's going to happen if I don't lose weight? Should I start shopping for new clothes? What about my existing clothes? Those new clothes I've just bought that I still haven't worn? Should I start giving them away? 

So yeah, I was worried I might not lose it. I knew some people who didn’t. And I knew how they felt after realizing that there's just no way they can get back to their old bodies. For a moment, I finally understood what it felt like to be one of those moms who are saddened by the realities of the aftermath of giving birth. 

But I kept my hopes up. I know some changes are permanent but there are still changes that are temporary. I told myself not to worry and to keep on breastfeeding. They say breastfeeding is the key and if I keep on feeding Pumpkin for as long as I can, my body will be back to normal in no time.”

. . . face still swollen, hips, waist and shoulders still wide. And my legs, eeekkk!!! my pata legs!!!

After 3 weeks, my tummy did get smaller. But my hips were still big. Shoulders got wider, too. I tried getting into my old shorts and boy the shorts ripped in the crotch all the way to the back. It was so hilarious Tapioca, the nanny and Munchkin made fun of me.

But today is the day that I’ve been waiting for. After trying on my shorts again for the nth time, it finally fitted me. No more struggles of closing the zipper. And the buttons too! Thank God and thank breastfeeding. It really is a wonder.

Thinking about it now, I felt that whether I lose the weight or not, it did not really matter. I mean, I've been skinny my whole life so gaining some weight isn’t such a bad thing. Also, I’m already a mom. I’m old. My metabolism is not the same as when I was younger. And don’t get me started about exercise and dieting. No way will I do that to get back to my old body. Oh my, I digress.

What I’m trying to say here is even if I didn't lose the weight after pregnancy, I will still embrace my new body wholeheartedly. That's right. You read it right. Yeah, I may get a little insecure over someone who still looks sexy and fabulous after giving birth multiple times but Lord knows what I went through. What my body went through. And me, only me (myself and I) would understand all that. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and insecurities, I will think of what a superwoman I am for accomplishing things I thought I wouldn't be able to do and endure.

And last but not the least, what really matters the most to me now is my family. Tapioca and my kids. The unconditional love they're giving me whether I'm fat or skinny. Old and ugly. I know it sounds crazy but I believe I'm at the stage of my life wherein physical appearance just doesn't matter anymore. I am no longer looking for affection, approval, praises or even validation from anyone but my family. I can say I am one lucky mommy because everyday and every chance they can, they never forget to say how much they love me. And I think that's more than enough for me to value myself, to lift my self-esteem and confidence. 

And I thank you.

Peace, love and a bullet-proof marshmallow y'all!

Jellybean74170

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Pumpkin’s Birth Announcement

Hello blogosphere! I’m back. I’m so back. Missed me? I miss you too!

Earlier today, I posted on IG our second child’s birth announcement. It took quite some time because I like living in the moment now. Haha! I know, who am I kidding? Just another excuse of the delinquent blogger. On a serious note, I really am enjoying it. Taking a break from social media every once in a while. Ya know, soaking up and cherishing all those precious moments. But of course, I still took photos. Not a lot though. Just enough so we have something to remember.

It was me who picked his name and happy that Tapioca agreed (teehee!) But for the sake of this blog, he will have his own online moniker. Presenting - Pumpkin, the newest member of the family!!!
 

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Drugs and Alcohol

I was having an early morning migraine and the first thing that popped into my head was mefenamic acid, the strong kind. But poor lactating mommy me stopped myself. No can do. Have to take paracetamol instead.

. . . photo from photo from https://www.hegghc.org/drug-and-alcohol-abuse/

Gawd, I miss my pain killers. I miss my cocktails. I miss a lot of things breastfeeding mommy can't ingest. I sounded like I have a drug and drinking problem. Hahaha.

Anyway, two more months and Munchkin can drink fresh milk. I can start weaning her off and start doing other things. My drugs and alcohol, we will meet again soon.

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